MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
This took me a second..
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.