[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?