“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.