escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
No. YOU-buprofen.
there’s probably a fee though
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I’d rather fork than spoon.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
🖤✌🏽
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.