Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this