“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
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Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.