(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
What if the weather talks about us?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
i prefer mine room temperature.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*