Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
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what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.