My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
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I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!