1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
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Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown