My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
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“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.