People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
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Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*