Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.