@pharmasean

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

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@RealSamHarwood

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

@BerrymoreBlue

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

@Redcom81

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

@thegrugq

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

@towelforacape

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

@TheThomason

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

@IDontSpeakWhine

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

@a_simpl_man

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me: