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Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Try and stop me.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?