I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I think I’ll stand
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
bugs when you lift up a rock
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy