just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Festive toon…
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Meow
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]