Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
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Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.