Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
You Might Also Like
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”