Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
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Mornin
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!