DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
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There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.