My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
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[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Lmbo
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks