Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You Might Also Like
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”