i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
You Might Also Like
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out