You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
“Sir, I was taught to always dance like no one is watching.”
*me getting escorted out of the club wearing only a bath towel
and singing into a brush.*
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans