You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.


Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.


[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.


Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?


It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”


Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”


When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.