Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street