Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

When a shoelace touches your ankle

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.