GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
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You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again