A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
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