Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
When you’re here for the treats.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)