Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
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*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them