[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
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I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
welp
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
did it work
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*