If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.