[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
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You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Seems kinda suspicious
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.