I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf