Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
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the saddest jazz hands ever
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.