Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
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Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
c’mon!
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I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.