I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.