My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
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Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
work smarter, not harder
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators