i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot