me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.