If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems