The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
doing some research
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Nice try, poison.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834