My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
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You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
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[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
What if the weather talks about us?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah