Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
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A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.