What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.