“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
You Might Also Like
My therapist after every session
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Lol.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*