“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me