I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?