I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
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I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Story of my life…..
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FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”