Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
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I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again