don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
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[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Bruh PLEASE
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
True freaking story!
Thursday
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.