The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one