The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend


If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.


WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING


[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd


“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”


Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?


Me: I’ll be on the couch.


[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it


“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever


Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*


People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.