For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Don’t tell me what to do
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.