*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
yeah not falling for this one
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*