therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
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TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious